Personal Histories
by ScriptedScarlet
Summary: Alvida gets herself kicked out of the Warlord Council and makes a cute, pink-haired Marine boy entertain her. Shenanigans ensue. Written for the SharetheLoveMonth2016.


**Posted for the SharetheLove2016 event. Prompt: History.**

 **I do not own One Piece.**

* * *

After the fall of Donquixote Doflamingo and the near simultaneous resignation of Trafalgar Law, the World Government had suddenly found itself down not one, but _two_ warlords.

A council had to be called; something the World Government never particularly cared to do.

It was a pretty poor turnout, but that was to be expected.

Dracule Mihawk was largely intent on not acknowledging anyone. One of Bartholomew Kuma's Pacifista clones had been parked mutely in a chair and was staring straight ahead, as if there as a token representation. The supposed son of Whitebeard and his asinine mother apparently had not arrived yet. Boa Hancock was, as usual, absent, as she never showed up to such things. A young freckled Marine kept watch at the door for arriving parties, clipboard in hand.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but this is the Warlord's Council meeting."

"Oh good, then this is the right place then?"

"Yes ma'am, but I'm afraid –"

"Excellent! I was worried _one_ of us had gotten lost."

"But ma'am, you –"

"Thank you, dear! We'll be on our way then."

The young Marine tried to stammer protests as Lady Alvida breezed by him into the council room, Warlord Buggy the Clown in tow behind her.

"Oh god, the circus is here," muttered Sentomaru to Admiral Kisaru, as the two of them strolled in.

Alvida grandly took a seat next to Buggy, pointedly smirking at all the glares directed at her. She winked and wiggled her fingers coyly at Vice Admiral Smoker, who promptly shattered the glass he was holding.

"I don't think he's very happy to see us," she giggled in Buggy's ear. She took out a compact and began touching up her lipstick, surveying her "audience."

A teenage boy with pink hair was handing a set of files to Vice Admirals Maynard and Bastille. Unlike most young Marines that Alvida saw around the headquarters (and enjoyed teasing,) this one was clearly higher ranking; his heavy coat looking oddly overlarge on his lanky form. A golden medal was pinned to his chest.

"Who's that?" Alvida murmured in Buggy's ear, as the boy walked out.

"One of Garp's pets. The kid made a show of himself at Marineford, nearly got himself killed," said Buggy. "Must've got some big promotion after that."

"He's cute," muttered Alvida, as the boy walked out.

"Well now, we are still waiting for some people to show up," said Vice-Admiral Garp, flatly. "But we might as well get stared. As I am sure you are all well aware, the issue of assigning new warlords needs to be addressed. Now, given recent events, it would be in our best interests to consider a candidate who –"

"Oh how lovely!" said Alvida. "Why, the ideal candidate is already here!"

There was a collective silence as the room stared at her. A thin vein twitched in Fleet Admiral Akainu's temple.

"And do tell. Who might that be?" he grated out.

"Why, isn't it obvious?" said Alvida, pressing a hand to her chest. "Given my alliance with warlord Buggy the Clown, I am practically already a warlord myself!" She tossed her hair. "How ideal for the World Government to have two powerful warlords aligned with each other. Think of the possibilities!"

"And besides," she added, reclining in her chair and regarding her nails with an air of dissatisfaction. "This old boy's club really could use a woman with a head on her shoulders. I mean really, where is your other current female warlord?" Alvida gazed around the room disparagingly. "Oh, what a surprise. She's not here. Not very reliable, is she? Can't say she takes her job very seriously. Probably off teaching her snake to make pastries or knit or something. My mere _presence_ here alone indicates that I am the vastly superior choice."

She looked smugly around the room.

Captain Hina snapped the pencil she was holding, her cigarette clenched in her teeth.

Sengoku stared at her with a frozen expression, the rice cracker poised in his hand apparently forgotten.

Akainu's fist was clenched on the top of the table and seemed to be melting a hole through it.

"All in favor?" asked Alvida, beaming.

"I SECOND!" yelled Buggy, jumping up dramatically.

There was dead silence.

Vice-Admiral Tsuru stood up very slowly and walked to the door.

She held it open and looked at Alvida.

"Get out."

* * *

"Misogynist pigs, all of them. Can't handle a woman in power. No wonder that old broad is stuck at Vice-Admiral…"

Alvida lay sprawled across a large decorative divan in the hallway, pointedly ignoring the sign that said " _Do not sit"_ and drinking broadly from a hip flask.

"Who do they think is really running the show?" she muttered. "It's not like it's any secret I'm the one doing the job for Buggy."

While Buggy enjoyed considerable success fencing mercenaries instead of weapons, the whole getup had been _her_ idea when Buggy had returned from Impel Down with dozens of hardened criminals in tow. Sending their allies _away_ would keep them from seeing what an idiot "Captain Buggy" really was and preserve the illusion Buggy had somehow crafted upon their escape. (Her idea.)

She shot a death glare at a Marine who looked like he was about to ask her to get off the divan, and he quickly walked away.

She eyed her hip flask balefully. It was nearly out. If she was going to have to sit out the long ass meeting, she was going to need more booze.

To hell with this, she didn't want to lie on a boring couch all day.

"Ma'am um….you shouldn't be laying there."

She turned to see the pink haired boy behind her, tentatively peering at her.

Alvida smirked.

Things might not be so boring after all.

"Do you always follow the rules?" she cooed, raising an eyebrow. "Is that how you got your fancy medals? By following the rules? Or _breaking_ them?"

The boy looked hugely taken aback.

"Ma'am, I uhh…I just wanted to suggest you find somewhere else to sit. Perhaps if you wished to wait until the meeting is over, you could go wait at the inn for your party. But we cannot have you sprawled all over the furniture at headquarters."

Alvida yawned broadly and eyed the boy.

"You're cute," she said. "Let's go have drinks."

The boy paled and gaped at her.

It was so much fun when they squirmed.

"I'm sorry, come again, ma'am?"

"Let's get drinks," repeated Alvida, stretching her limbs alluringly across the divan. "I'm bored. You're _cute_."

" _What?"_ The boy had turned a fetching shade of pink that matched his hair.

"Come now, I am a visiting guest," said Alvida, rising and stretching, making sure the young Marine had an ample view of her chest. "A guest of a _warlord_. I _must_ be accommodated." She took the young Marine by the arm. " _Accommodate me_."

"Ma'am I –"

"You will escort me to the nearest tavern. Chop chop. Come now, I don't have all day."

* * *

Mariejoia's inn was not particularly noteworthy, but it served its purpose. It was meant to accommodate guests of Marine Headquarters – be them visiting dignitaries, ambassadors, operatives of Cipher Pol delivering a report, or a measly bounty hunter turning in his catch. Off-duty Marines often frequented the bar for a drink with friends.

Rumor had it that when Doflamingo would attend the Warlord's Council, he would bring his wild family along and book an entire wing.

Secrets passed through this inn. Deals were made. Information exchanged. Not to mention that food, comfort and a well-stocked bar made people more susceptible to talk. The innkeeper was well paid not just by his customers, but by the world government itself, to turn his head and keep his mouth shut.

"This will do," said Alvida, surveying the inn's bar. A handful of guests were enjoying a mid-day lunch and drink while the bartender polished glasses.

"Well if you're satisfied ma'am, then I'll be returning to Headquarters," said the boy.

"Nonsense!" said Alvida, sashaying up to the bar. "You'll have a drink with me."

"But I don't drink –"

"I'll have a bottle of wine, red please," said Alvida to the bartender. "And something cute and pink for my sailor boy here."

"Ma'am, I don't drink –"

"So precious, so innocent, I love it," said Alvida, pulling the Marine into the seat next to her. "What's your name?"

"It's Coby, ma'am."

Alvida raised her eyebrows in appraisal.

"Coby?" said Alvida. "How funny, I knew a Coby once."

"Really?"

"Yes. He was a useless lump."

"Oh," said Coby, with a weak little awkward laugh.

"What, it's the truth," said Alvida, happily accepting the bottle of wine from the bartender. "You Marines don't put up with weaklings and slackers, we pirates don't either."

"Well, I suppose that's true, ma'am," said Coby.

"Well its clear _you're_ not a useless lump," said Alvida, not bothering to pour the wine into the glass and drinking straight from the bottle. "Now tell me about yourself, Coby. I hear you're a war hero. A decorated, strapping handsome sailor boy like you, the ladies must _adore_ you. What's your story?"

"That's very kind of you to say, ma'am," said Coby, reluctantly accepting the tiny pink drink with an umbrella that the bartender handed him. "But I don't have much of a story."

" _Drink_. _It_." said Alvida, as Coby stared at the glass. "Everyone has a story. Now tell me, what made a dashing young boy like you want to pursue a life of justice?"

"Well, I suppose you could say I have a personal history with piracy," said Coby, becoming very focused on twirling the umbrella in his drink.

"A personal history?" repeated Alvida. "Oh, doesn't that sound thrilling!"

"Yes, I was um, taken advantage of by a pirate at a young age, and I suppose I have some unfinished business with her," said Coby, still not touching the drink.

"Oh my!" said Alvida dramatically. "Well, I don't envy the pirate who has a history with a war hero of your caliber."

"I'm not a war hero, stop that," said Coby, flushing pink and waving his hand.

"Drink. Your. Drink." said Alvida. "It's _good_ for you."

Coby gave her an incredulous look.

"Don't laugh, I've heard of a doctor who's lived to be over a hundred and thirty on plum wine and she's drop dead gorgeous," said Alvida. "Now _drink_. Tell me about your unfinished business."

"Well, there isn't much to tell," said Coby, taking a very brave, minute sip of the martini. "I hope someday I'll be able to capture her, and show her what I've become. How far I've made it, and that I really _did_ become a Marine. Maybe I'll even be an Admiral by then!"

He flushed a deeper pink and set down the drink.

"I'm, I'm sorry!" he said, covering his face with his hands. "I get so embarrassed talking about my dreams! There's no way I could become an Admiral!"

"Nonsense, why not?" said Alvida. "Why shouldn't you want to show the world that you've become a great Marine! Showing off is healthy, it's good for your self-esteem. I hope when you finally capture your pirate lady, you're the greatest Admiral the World Government has ever seen and you have a chest full of medals to show her."

"You're embarrassing me," said Coby, shrinking into his massive coat.

"You need more confidence," said Alvida. "Or perhaps just more alcohol. They are almost the same thing."

She downed the rest of the wine bottle and pulled a second from behind the bar, again not bothering to pour it in the glass.

"Well, you're rather nice, ma'am, you're certainly not like she was," chuckled Coby.

"Well, it certainly would seem you owe her quite a lot," said Alvida.

"Come again?" said Coby, staring at her.

"Behind every successful man there is a great woman," said Alvida. "It would seem your brush with piracy, with this lady rival of yours, has only given you greater inspiration and passion to pursue your dream, has it not?"

"I wouldn't call her a great lady," said Coby. "She was really awful. And ugly, and –"

"I don't care to hear ignorant statements that equate a woman's worth to her physical appearance," cut in Alvida, waving a hand. "There is no such thing as 'ugly.'"

"I…never thought of it that way, ma'am, I'm sorry I offended you," said Coby.

"Beauty is arbitrary and capricious when judgement is left to others. Beauty is best defined by the self. And I _am_ beautiful _,_ " said Alvida, tossing her hair. "Don't you agree?"

"Please don't ask me that," said Coby, continuing to shrink into his coat.

"Why?"

"It makes me…uncomfortable."

"My flawless beauty makes you uncomfortable?"

"Yes," said Coby. "And that question."

" _This_ is precisely why you clearly need more confidence!" said Alvida, jabbing a finger at him. "And more alcohol! We can't have a strapping young man like you afraid of beautiful women. Now finish your pink drink."

Coby picked up the drink with trembling hands and took another brave sip.

"Now does a handsome young war hero like you have a lovely lady or gentleman in his life?" asked Alvida, taking a large swallow of wine. "Or has that lack of confidence affected you in that department too?"

"Um, well," said Coby awkwardly, looking away. "I'm not supposed to talk about it, ma'am, I –"

"Oh right, you Marines and your 'don't ask, don't tell,' my apologies," said Alvida. "Well, I figured. Seems I won't be sneaking you upstairs to an empty room after all."

Coby spit out his drink.

" _What?!"_

"So innocent! I love it!" cooed Alvida, her cheeks now a similar shade of pink to Coby's. "You have got to be the most precious thing I have ever seen, Coby. Not at all like the useless lump Coby I knew."

She reached behind the bar for a third bottle of wine, taking a generous drink.

"Oh ma'am, you haven't told me your name!" said Coby. "How inconsiderate of me for not asking!"

"What, you _don't_ know who I am?" said Alvida, indignantly, setting down the bottle. "That figures. No one here respects me, Coby. No one. I'm co-captain to a Warlord. That practically makes me co-warlord."

"Ma'am – "

"Idiots, all of them," she muttered. "My name is always _conveniently_ left off the guest list, I have to invite myself! And then that Weeble child brings his mommy along, but nobody kicks her out!"

"Ma'am, I think you should stop drinking," said Coby.

"I am practically already a warlord!" said Alvida, standing up. "My alliance dates back to the East Blue! And people have the gall to ask me who I am when I show up with Buggy?!"

"Ma'am, please –"

"And then the _rumors_ that I'm _screwing_ that clown!" Alvida said, slamming her hand down on the bar. "Everyone knows he's screwing the _acrobat,_ not me!"

"Ma'am, people are _staring_ ," said Coby fearfully, looking around at the patrons, who were gaping.

"I love an audience!" said Alvida, to address the rest of the bar. "Now tell me! Who is the most –"

"We're leaving ma'am," said Coby, cutting her off and taking her by the arm. "They should be done the meeting soon."

"Are you sure you don't want to sneak upstairs?"

* * *

"Coby, what the hell is this?"

Helmeppo gaped at Coby trying to lead a fairly drunk female pirate down the corridor to the warlord's council.

"I'll explain later," Coby muttered. "Can you go find whoever she's with? I really can't deal with this."

"Oh look, my couch," said Alvida.

"Ma'am you _can't sit there!_ " said Coby, exasperatedly, as Alvida happily sprawled herself across it. "The sign says _do not sit!"_

"Hmmm…do you always follow the rules?" cooed Alvida, kicking up her legs. "You should come with me, Coby."

"What? No!"

"Your party is here, please get off our furniture."

Coby turned in relief to see Vice-Admirals Tsuru and Garp, and Buggy the Clown.

"Oh Buggy, is the dreadful meeting finally over?" asked Alvida, sitting up. "Did they pick me?"

"Well, um…actually…we decided…"

"You'll have to tell me all about it over drinks," said Alvida.

"Oh god," muttered Coby.

"Goodbye Coby, you are very nice," said Alvida, kissing him on the cheek. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us? We have lion." Coby had turned about the same color as his hair at this point.

"Get her _out_ of here," said Tsuru pointedly to Buggy.

"I like you much better than the Coby I used to know," said Alvida, as Buggy pulled her along. "Let's do this again next time I'm here!"

"Heavens, let's hope there's not a 'next time' for a very long time," muttered Tsuru. "That woman is dangerous."

"Who was she?" asked Coby. "I didn't get her name, she got too drunk."

"That sounds about right," said Tsuru.

"Oh, that's just Alvida, or _Lady_ Alvida, as she calls herself," said Garp, rolling his eyes. "She's some bit pirate from the East Blue who has a longstanding alliance with Buggy."

Coby stared at him.

"I'm sorry… _WHAT?_ "

"Oh, she does this all the time," said Garp, dismissively. "Shows up to meetings with Buggy, does something outrageous and gets herself kicked out; finds herself some Marine to go get drunk with."

" _WHAT?!"_

"What's your problem, child? You look like you're back at Marineford," muttered Tsuru. "That woman has been giving the Warlord Council the runaround for awhile, now it's no secret she's running the show for Buggy. Crazy like a fox. That woman would be very dangerous in such a position."

The few sips of pink drink were churning in his stomach. Coby swayed on the spot.

Tsuru turned to look at Coby. "What's wrong boy, why are you on the floor?"

"Coby? COBY?! Why the hell are you on the floor?!" shouted Garp. "What the hell is wrong with you?! Someone get a medic over here, we have a Marine Captain down!"

* * *

"I had a cabin boy named Coby once," said Alvida, as she and Buggy boarded the Big Top. "He was nothing like that Coby. He was useless and said rude things to me. That Coby was quite handsome and very nice. I wish we could have brought him along."

"Alvida, you're drunk." said Buggy. "How are you walking?"

"That Coby would have been a vast improvement on my old Coby. Two Cobys. Funny how those things work."

* * *

 **I typed this fic with a hand injury and I didn't care because I was _so happy_ to be writing Alvida shenanigans after all these years.**

 **Thanks to my beta reader Milo who also drew me amazing doodles of Alvida chugging wine and Coby being a muppet.**

 **Thanks to anyone who reads this, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**


End file.
